Madame Web swings and misses badly as a standalone superhero origin story in the Marvel universe. One-note characters bumble around in a poorly conceived plot rife with terrible dialogue and bewildering visual effects. A capable cast has their talent squandered by the questionable directorial execution of a weak script. The film strikes a silly tone while desperately trying to be serious. It also lacks the blockbuster action scenes expected in a big-budget genre film. There’s little to like or recommend apart from the unintentional bad humor. You’ll laugh out loud for the wrong reasons.
Set in 2003 New York City, paramedic Cassandra “Cassie” Webb (Dakota Johnson) races through the streets with her ambulance siren blaring. Her partner, Ben Parker (Adam Scott) – you read that right – performs CPR on an injured woman. They arrive at the hospital in the nick of time. Cassie’s uncomfortable accepting a hand-drawn thank you card from the patient’s son. Raised in foster homes since birth, the orphaned Cassie never had a family.
Meanwhile, Ezekiel Sims (Tahar Rahim) has the same nightmare that has been plaguing him for years. He must find three women that decide his fate in the future. Sims has extraordinary abilities from an event that happened in the Peruvian rainforest 30 years ago. He uses his powers for evil and to enrich himself. Sims has procured the technological means to find the phantom enemies of his dreams. Amaria (Zosia Mamet), his loyal assistant, can now achieve this task through facial recognition.
Spider-Sense Not Tingling
1/5
Release Date February 14, 2024
Runtime 1hr 57min
A horrible accident triggers clairvoyant visions in Cassie. Something deep inside her has been unlocked. Cassie can now see the future for herself and everyone in her presence. A trip to Grand Central Station leads to an encounter with three very different teenage girls. Julia Cornwall (Sydney Sweeney), Mattie Franklin (Celeste O’Connor), and Anya Corazon (Isabela Merced) are in immediate danger from a relentless villain.
Madame Web reimagines the protagonist from the comic books. Johnson’s Cassie is healthy and fit but emotionally withdrawn as an outsider. The script attempts to portray her as a loner who struggles to make attachments. Ben and her fellow paramedics are highly inclusive. She’s one of the gang and gently ribbed as such. The idea of her being a lost soul doesn’t ring true with the given exposition. Cassie has a dear friend who can be trusted and plays a pivotal role in the climax. These early scenes make little sense because Cassie is surrounded by people who care about her well-being.
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The supporting female leads are cardboard cutouts at best. They are destined to be superheroes for some unknown reason. The girls have no backstory and depth except for summary explanations to Cassie once they’re all together. Julia is the shy blonde, Mattie’s a skateboarding rebel with a starter afro, and Anya’s a brainy Latina who speaks in math formulas. They say and do little, apart from their generic stereotypical personalities. We’re meant to accept that the girls are disowned and need Cassie as their valiant savior. They’re the family she’s been missing. It’s like watching an after-school special with sappy, contrived melodrama.
Nascent Superheroes
Madame Web challenges for the worst dialogue in recent superhero cinema. The interactions here make Fantastic Four and Eternals look Oscar-worthy. Cassie talking to a cat in her apartment is the first sign of verbal disaster to come. The characters don’t sound natural. Their witless banter feels staged, especially as the plot thickens and violence ensues. The girls arguing with Cassie after literally running for their lives is absolutely absurd. Then we get an earful of Sims chastising Amaria in a scene so bad it could be studied.
It’s déjà vu all over again as Cassie repeatedly relives tragedies and tries to change their outcomes. The film’s visual effects are disconcerting by design. Cassie’s flooded with baffling imagery and sounds before each occurrence. The rub is that she has to learn to control her powers, or they’re all mincemeat. The training of her spider-sense in the second act is stunningly stupid. This is when the already struggling narrative falls off the dumb tree, hits every branch, and lands with a thud. It also marks a negative change in how her clairvoyance is portrayed.
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Madame Web switches chance for fate as the primary story driver. There’s nothing random to Cassie’s arachnid evolution. It was her destiny to become a mystical mother hen. The film’s primary tenet allows for shoddy script work. She can pop around anywhere, and action will find her like a plot-seeking missile. This gets old pretty fast and has numerous logic flaws. There are significant issues with how she deduces her adversary’s identity. It’s a total copout that can’t be ignored.
The struggle to find anything positive is a fruitless endeavor. Madame Web disappoints in every regard. A bad script can spell doom, but there had to be a further disconnect between filming and post-production. Thankfully, you don’t have to stick around for the non-existent post-credits scene.
Madame Web is a production of Columbia Pictures, Marvel Entertainment, and Di Bonaventura Pictures. It will be released theatrically on Feb. 14 from Sony Pictures. Watch the trailer below.
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